Darkness and Empathy

There are moments in life when darkness seeps into our every thought, affecting our emotions, perceptions, and relationships. Whether it stems from depression, grief, anxiety, or another silent struggle, the weight of these experiences can feel inescapable. But what happens when this darkness is not our own, but rather belongs to someone close to us? How do we respond with empathy when we have never experienced that particular struggle ourselves?

When darkness takes hold, it is more than just sadness or a bad day—it becomes a relentless presence that clouds every aspect of life. The things that once brought joy feel distant, conversations feel exhausting, and even the simplest tasks require immense effort. It is as if the world moves on, bright and full of energy, while you remain trapped in a fog, watching but unable to participate. You may want to reach out, but words fail to capture the weight pressing down on you, and the fear of burdening others keeps you silent.

For many, this struggle is not visible to those around them. They wake up, go to work, smile at friends, and engage in conversations while carrying an unbearable heaviness inside. The loneliness of silent suffering can be profound—feeling unseen even in a crowded room, unheard despite screaming on the inside. It is this hidden nature of emotional pain that makes empathy from others so vital, yet so difficult to find.

Empathy is often described as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. However, research suggests that true understanding of another’s suffering is inherently limited unless we have experienced it firsthand (Batson et al., 1997). While cognitive empathy allows us to recognise someone's distress intellectually, affective empathy—the deeper emotional resonance—is much harder to achieve without lived experience (Zaki, 2014). This means that no matter how much we care, our perception of another person’s suffering will always be shaped by our own experiences and biases.

Studies in neuroscience reveal that our brains are wired for empathy through mirror neurons, which activate both when we experience pain and when we witness someone else in pain (Rizzolatti & Sinigaglia, 2008). However, research also shows that people tend to underestimate the severity of emotional pain in others, particularly when they have not undergone similar hardships (Nordgren et al., 2011). This suggests that without personal experience, we may unintentionally downplay or misinterpret another person’s suffering.

Since true understanding is often unattainable, our role shifts to practicing intentional and active empathy. This does not mean pitying or patronising others but rather creating a space where their struggles are acknowledged and respected. Here are some science-backed strategies:

1. Listen Without Judgment | Research shows that active listening, where we focus on the speaker without formulating responses in our heads, fosters stronger emotional connections (Rogers, 1957).

   
   

2. Avoid Comparative Suffering | Statements like “I know exactly how you feel” can feel dismissive if they are not genuine. Instead, acknowledging that we don’t fully understand but are willing to listen, is more effective (Gilbert, 2009).

   
   

3. Validate Their Experience | Psychological studies indicate that validation helps reduce emotional distress by making people feel seen and heard (Linehan, 1993).

   
   

4. Offer Support Without Solutions | Well-intended advice can sometimes come across as minimising. Instead, asking, “How can I support you?” respects the individual’s agency while expressing care (Neff, 2011).

   
   

If we accept that we cannot fully understand another’s suffering, we can become better friends, partners, and colleagues by embracing humility in our empathy. It is not about fixing, pitying, or assuming—it is about being present. Silent struggles remain invisible to the untrained eye, but by choosing to engage with curiosity and compassion, we can create an environment where no one has to navigate their darkness alone.

‘Till next time…