Stop Fixing, Start Listening

We’ve all done it. Someone shares a struggle, work stress, relationship problems, family drama, and before they can finish, we’re already drafting solutions in our head. We want to help, so we jump in with advice.But here’s the thing: unless the person explicitly asks for your opinion, your advice probably isn’t helping. In fact, it often does the opposite.

Why Unsolicited Advice Backfires

Psychologists call this “unsolicited advice-giving,” and research shows it can feel more like criticism than support. A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that advice can threaten a person’s sense of autonomy, making them feel controlled or judged rather than understood. That’s why even well-meaning input can land as condescending or intrusive.

Think about it: when you’re in a vulnerable moment, do you really want someone telling you what they think you should do? Most of the time, no. What you want is space to be heard, validated, and maybe even comforted.

Another publication of research from Social Psychological and Personality Science found that advice is more likely to be well-received when it’s solicited because the act of asking makes someone more open to input. Without that invitation, advice can create distance instead of closeness.

Why We Do It Anyway

Our brains are wired to fix problems. Offering advice makes us feel useful. It soothes our discomfort in the face of someone else’s pain. But what that really means is: giving advice is often more about us than the other person.

And here’s the kicker: jumping in with solutions can actually shut down the conversation. People might share less with us in the future because they don’t feel safe just expressing what’s on their mind.

The Deeper Cost of Always “Fixing”

Here’s something worth sitting with: when we rush to fix, we unintentionally tell the other person, “Your feelings aren’t valid unless they come with a solution.” That chips away at trust. Over time, it can leave people feeling isolated, like their role is to “manage” their emotions before sharing them with us.

There’s also a bigger cultural layer here. Many of us were raised in environments where productivity, solutions, and resilience were praised, while vulnerability and “just feeling” were seen as weak. So when someone comes to us in pain, we instinctively treat it like a problem to be solved, instead of a human experience to be witnessed.

The irony is that, listening without fixing, often requires more strength and patience than giving off advice. It asks us to sit with discomfort, both theirs and ours, without reaching for the easy out.

Better Ways to Show Up

So, how do you resist the urge to “fix”? A few simple questions go a long way:

• “Do you want advice, or just an open ear?”

• “Do you want to vent, or do you want me to help think about solutions?”

• “Do you want comfort, or collaboration?”

These give the other person options. You’re not imposing; you’re asking. And that tiny act of respect can make all the difference.

If they want advice, great, share it gently without assuming you know better than them. If they just want to vent, your role is to listen. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply sit with someone in their mess, without trying to clean it up for them.

Practical Tips to Hold Back

• Pause before you speak | Ask yourself: did they ask for my advice?

• Mirror instead of fixing | Repeat back what you heard to show you understand.

• Get comfortable with silence | Not every pause needs filling.

• Validate feelings | A simple “That sounds really hard” can mean more than a five-step plan.

The Takeaway

Advice isn’t bad. It just has a time and a place. If someone invites you in, your perspective can be a gift. But if they don’t, your job isn’t to fix, it’s to witness.

At its core, this is about respect. Respect for someone’s autonomy, for their ability to navigate their own life, and for the simple truth that sometimes we don’t need an answer, we just need to not feel alone in the question.

Listening, not solving, is often the most supportive thing you can do.

’Till next time…