How Are You Harming Your Children?

This post is not meant to offend, provoke, or attack anyone. It simply has informative purposes and it is a topic I feel responsible to discuss because of the condition and state in which families all over the world are coming to.

We are often faced with individuals who might lack a bit on socially accepted behaviours and norms. Or who might be facing mental hardships such as depression, anxiety, self-harming, suicidal thoughts, aggressive behaviour, withdrawn behaviour, and much more. We wonder what’s happening with them, what caused them to become as they have? The answer, the bases of almost all behavioural and mental disturbances in an individual, trace back to one vital component of their lives.

FAMILY RELATIONS! The single most important component in forming or destroying an individual. By family relations, I mean each and every relation between all family members. And the parent-child relationship is not the only important one; the relationship of the couple is the first thing to look at when a child is falling apart. Parents, do not think that your child(ren) do not know or understand what conflict you might try to hide behind closed doors. They know, and this knowledge is eating them up from the inside. Then, questions arise; the children begin doubting themselves, they feel at fault for their parent’s fights and raised voices.

Prof Gordon Harold who is the Andrew and Virginia Rudd professor of psychology and director of the Rudd Centre for Adoption Research and Practice at the University of Sussex has done extensive research concerning the effects that parental fights have on the children and he says: “Parents don't even need to display volatile or aggressive behaviour towards one another for damage to be done.” Meaning that children are not damaged only by seeing domestic violence or hearing loud and raised voices; the way the parents communicate and treat each other, if it is negative, it’s enough to harm a child.

Firstly, take care of your child’s well being. You will say, “I do that already; I pay for rent, electricity bills, school bills, for this and for this and for this.” That is a very responsible thing to do and something that every loving parent tries to do to the best of their abilities and capabilities. BUT it is not all a parent should do and just think that they have accomplished all their parental roles. A child’s mental wellbeing is as important as the rest. You may pay some bills once a month, but then you might turn around and ‘remind’ your child of how they were your ‘investment’ that needs to pay you back, and soon. You just destroyed your child’s trust and love for you; then, they will not wait until they can pay you back and cut all ties with you.

Secondly, do not, under ANY circumstances, displace your anger from another source unto your child. And I cannot stress this enough: Do not throw upon your child a responsibility that is not theirs to hold. Do not give them a guilt trip for something that they had nothing to do with. Do not give them a guilt trip for anything for that matter, that is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. In doing this, you make them angry, upset, and confused. They might not fully understand where your anger is coming from and that it is not their fault.

Thirdly, show your children you love them; don’t just assume that they know. Make an effort to say “I love you” without it being a special moment or anything like that. Be spontaneous when expressing your love for your children. And express equal amounts to all of them; don’t make siblings feel as if some of them are loved more than the others. Expressing love is not about you feeling good about ‘fulfilling your responsibilities’. It is about telling your precious ones that you care for them, that you appreciate the time you have together. It does not need to be a grand gesture, it can be as simple as three words, “I love you”.

Fourthly, if a relationship between a parent and a child is broken, it is not the child’s responsibility to take the initiative and make the first step towards mending that relationship. Even though the children might do that and take the first step that the parent is neglecting to take, it is not up to the child to mend something that the parent might have broken. The PARENTS decided to have children and not the other way around. You cannot just decide to ‘swap’ places and roles and expect for everything to be better again. Work on your relationship with your children as hard as you work on your relationship with your spouse. At the end of the day, you as a parent, are the only person your child will have that loves them unconditionally. You are their protector and the person who understands them every time.

Lastly, LISTEN to your family members. They constantly try to communicate with you. Hear them, what they’re saying with their words, their actions. There’s a reason behind anything a person says and does; try to find those reasons. Your behaviour and treatment towards them might be what’s the root cause behind all broken relationships in the family. Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and a lecturer at Northeastern University, found through her studies “that children of all ages, from near-infancy through early adulthood, are impacted by how their parents choose to handle their differences.” So, don’t just think that once you perceive the child to be a bit grown up, that they will just brush off your conflicts unaffected. They do care about your fights because they care about you!

Again, this post is not meant to offend or attack anyone, its simple purpose is to help those who might need to read something like this and encourage them to go back to their families and work things out. I truly wish you all the best!

‘Till next time…

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If you wish to read more on the topic of parental conflict and the effects it has on children you can do so on the article attached:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-parents-fighting-affects-children-s-mental-health-4158375